5 Ways to Help a Loved One Suffering a Crisis of Faith: Stuff Let Go from Won't Let You Go (Part 1).

"With the life-giving energy I once received from church withering away, I lost the ability to keep my questions in check. I was terrified. I was standing on the edge of a cliff, and I couldn’t see anything more than fog and mist below. The wind was blowing hard, and I was losing my balance. I was at the edge of certainty, about to fall into mystery."

~Won't Let You Go: Hanging on to Christ and Falling in To Mystery.

I am in the process of writing my first book, Won't Let You Go, which chronicles the process of my loss and rediscovery of the Christian faith. The process has been arduous to say the least, partially because there is so much I want to say, but it doesn't always fit with the through-line I want in the book. I am ironically having to let go of some of Won't Let You Go. So, I've decided to take the pieces I like best that won't make the final cut, edit them to fit in a series of blogs, and publish them this way. I hope they can be of some help and amusement. 

A crisis of faith is no joke, and it is something that has become increasingly common among people my age, i.e. millennials, i.e. people born between 1981 and 1997. This shouldn’t be surprising, since my generation has become one of the least churched generations in decades (Gen Z has beat us out for least churched in American history). In a world where information is so easily accessible, where scientific and empirical data are so compelling, and where it has become increasingly vogue to not identify with any specific religion, faith is difficult to maintain. Many of us know someone who is wrestling with their faith, and it can often times leave you feeling helpless and afraid for said person. Don’t lose heart though, because there are actual ways you can help.

1.       Show Them the Reality of Love

As Science Mike McHargue has said many times, when someone tells you  everything they’ve known and believed is slipping away, the best response is a hug. When someone doesn't know what's real and what's false, show them the reality of tangible love. Remember Jesus’ directive that Christians are to be the ones who bring Gods space (The Kingdom of Heaven) into the human space. When we respond to disconcerting news that a loved one is having a crisis of faith with unconditional love, you bring Gods space to theirs, you reveal that the Kingdom of Heaven is here and now.

2.       Don’t Shame The Doubt

A crisis of faith is a lot like living with the constant threat that your very ground of being can be taken from you at any moment. It is a terrifying, anxiety-inducing, lonely experience. In my experience, it is not something an individual seeks out, rather it is something that happens to her or him. When we respond to the confession of doubt with arguments defending the faith, and scripture references that seem to speak against doubt, as good as our intentions may be, the person in crisis will often feel ashamed, and lock themselves in secret. Instead, listen, offer support and solidarity.

3.       Affirm Their Experience

Doubt is a normal and universal aspect of the human experience. And the brilliant truth of it all is there is room in the Christian story for doubters. Even Christ himself cried out on the cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” To doubt is to “fellowship in Christ's sufferings,” as Paul says in Philippians 3. When a person doubts, they participate in the Crucifixion. Don’t be afraid to affirm this stuff is difficult to believe in. An affirmation of experience decreases isolation and increases intimacy. So, affirm the normal and expected terrain of doubt. After all, how many people do you know who have risen from the dead?



         4. Get Curious

When I ventured down the path my faith crisis led me to, I was met with one of two responses when I'd share my experience with people. The first was response was one of suspicion. They'd look at me with a slight squint in their eye, trying to hide their disappoint as they judged that I was arrogantly or naively sliding down the slippery slope of liberalism. The second response was one of curiosity. They would offer empathy, and ask questions about the data and events that led me to my current status. The ones who engaged with me curiously were the ones I eagerly shared with as God become more real to me later on.



        5. Don't Respond Out of Insecurity.

I understand why I was met with suspicion by some. In the past, as my friends confided their doubts to me, I would get suspicious and defensive. The reason for this was the questions they brought up poked at a belief I held tightly, but didn't have a lot of rational behind. When someone questions something that matters to you, and you don't feel you have an adequate defense, it makes you insecure. Resist this insecurity. Again, choose curiosity and empathy, and you will position yourself in their lives as a true ally.



There are many other ways to help loved ones in the midst of a faith crisis (don't pressure them, be patient, validated that they are more important to you than what they believe), but I believe this is a good starting place, and when applied, can alleviate the feeling of helplessness that comes during some of these difficult conversations.