Sunday, January 8, 2017

Top Ten Worst Movies of 2016: I watched them so you don't have to.

Next week I'll be publishing my favorite movies of 2016 list, but since 2016 has its share of stinkers, I thought I'd take care of this list first. As always, this is based on personal opinion, I don't have any delusions that I have the skill to objectively tear apart every aspect of a movie. I also want to say if you like these movies, that's great, no shame on you! It's always better to have a positive perspective, but when it comes to these movies, I have no such perspective. There are some movies on this list plenty of people liked, but sense I've had to listen to most of you whine about Batman vs Superman (a movie I like in spite of myself) all year, I don't feel so bad.

Alright, now that the introduction has been introduced and the disclaimers have been disclaimed, here are my ten least favorite movies I saw in 2016.















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Number 10.

Me Before You.

Image result for me before you



I don't even know what they were trying to go for here. Was it trying to be a profound study on the right to suicide for disabled people, was it trying to be a cutesy romance movie? Was this suppose to charm me? I have no idea. Emilia Clarke was too good for this. Now, granted, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. That's about the nicest thing I have to say about this movie.















Number 9.

Magnificent 7.

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How am I not suppose to be disappointed in this? You assemble one of my favorite actors, Denzel, with a few other exceptionally talented and entertaining performers, and then you don't give them anything to do! At almost two and half hours they managed to give these characters no depth, and their attempts are emotional layers are about as subtle as a Transformers movie. I'm growing less and less patient with by the numbers movie making.














Number 8.

Blair Witch

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Speaking of generic, by the numbers film making, Blair Witch! I am shockingly patient with the found footge horror trope, I enjoyed the Paranormal Activity series all the until last years piece of trash. This movie brought nothing of merit to the conversation. There was one or two seriously frightening moments, but in a year with Hush, Don't Breathe and The Conjuring 2, and when you try to sell yourself as a sequel to the king (or queen. #fightthepatriarchy) of found footage films, you better have good reason for making this movie. They didn't.













Number 7

Trolls

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I have a love hate relationship with cartoons; I will love it (Kubo!!!!) or I'll hate it (Trolls...) This actually did fairly well with the critics, and if I trained myself to find a middle ground with animated movies it might have done okay with me too, but as it is I really didn't like it. The animation is beautiful and Can't Stop This Feeling is a hoot, but the movie was just so high pitched and shiny I left with a headache. When a movie causes me actual physical pain its a safe bet I won't like it.













Number 6.

 Miss Peregrines Home for Peculiar Children

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Directors indulging themselves doesn't always have to be a bad thing. Tim Burton does this in every movie he's ever made, and sometimes it's okay. I loved Big Fish and Ed Wood. But this movie was so tired, so lazy, so boring I was actually starting to resent it while in the theater. This movie takes the extreme talents of Judi Dench, Ayson Janney, Samuel L. Jackson and Chris O'Dowd and it just takes a giant dump all over their resumes. Of those actors, I've only ever seen Sam Jackson phone it in, but lets face unless he's doing Tarantino he's always phoning it in. But if you pay close enough attention, you can actually see these greats signing "I just wanted the paycheck." You have to look close but its there. Asa Butterfield does his best to carry the movie, and he does alright. Eva Green is charming as ever. But this movie movies biggest problem is with its passionless director.










Number 5. 

The Boy.


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I think maybe, somewhere in this mediocre horror flick there was a compelling plot to find. They didn't find it. Nothing more memorable than a made for TV Goosebumps episode. Already forgot most of it.













Number 4. 

Collateral Beauty

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Speaking of movies taking a giant dump all over amazing actors resume! Why? WHY?!

The difference between this and Miss Peregrine is that these actors are trying, Will Smith especially. Where do I even start with this? First off, I realized I get more mad when at a crappy movie with good acting than I do at a crappy movie with crappy acting. I just get mad because I apparently I'll watch anything with this assembly of actors. I should have been in awe and they deserve material to awe me, because they've all awed me before. Second, the trailer, total lie. The plot that the trailer makes you believe the movie is about is not at all what the story is actually about. This is probably because they realized after filming the actual story is so stupid there's no way to make it look appealing to audiences. I don't know that there was anyway to make this movie work. This writer and director must have had some serious dirt on these Hollywood elites to make this movie happen.













Number 3. 

Divergent: Alegiant

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They could have hired Liam Neeson to do a thirty second clip explaining how they only made this movie so they could make some money, and it would have been more entertaining. This movie made me mad. The acting was horrible (This with a cast including Jeff Daniels, Octavia Spencer and Naomi Watts), the writing is atrocious, there is no directorial vision and the visual effects were *gag*. I can't even type it without almost vomiting; they looked like they were done by me on a Mac. I saw this movie, I gave them my money. Shame on me, shame on me!













Number 2. 

Hillary's America: The Secret History of the Democratic party.

Image result for hillary's america the secret history of the democratic party

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!










Number 1. 

Gods Not Dead 2

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Okay, I'm not going to lie. There's no part of me that expected this to be good. I watched Hillary's America with my family when I told them I'd vote for Lucifer over Donald Trump, and I tried to have as open of a mind as possible. There was at least some good intentions there. Me watching Gods Not Dead 2 was me giving into a dark and ugly part of myself, the part that finds Donald Trump entertaining... a real dark and ugly place. It's not good. I actually find these movies dangerous, even poisonous. With the extremely problematic message it sends Christians aside, it's a really bad movie.

I have nothing else to say about the movie except this: I'm glad it was released the same year as Silence. And I hope every Christian in America with a martyr complex who saw this movie and felt vindicated watches Silence so they can see what actual persecution looks like for Christians.




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That's it for my least favorite movies of 2016. I hope I didn't offend you too much. And, again, if you found enjoyment in these movies, good on ya! I'm not here to change your mind.

4 comments:

  1. Thanks,you saved me a lot of money... LOL.

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  2. I only saw the Magnificent seven on this list. I thought going in that I'd not like it because it's a western (not my favorite genre), but I was at least entertained. I think for me, if I think a movie is going to be bad and it's not as bad as I thought it would be I like it. Lol. On the flip side, if a movie is hyped and I think, "this is going to be good" and then it's not as good as everyone said (imo), then I usually end up feeling like I hate it. Looking forward to seeing the 2016 movies you liked!

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    Replies
    1. The above comment was from your aunt Chera!!! 😜

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